These Tears that Won't Fall
by deludedfreak
Summary: She had snapped, and couldn't take it anymore. So she left. Five years later, she watches as mistletoe claims its victims, and then visits her past in more ways than one. Oneshot. Please R&R.


**These Tears that Won't Fall**

**Author: deludedfreak**

**A/N:** Yeah, that's right, I'm a sucker when it comes to romance. Not that I've ever experienced it… -coughcough- Anyway, this is my first Inuyasha fic and my second fic overall. And yes, it is a one-shot.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters mentioned in this drabble. Nor do I own My Back Pages by Bob Dylan or Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day.

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I could never quite tell who he wanted. When he was with me, it seemed as if I was the one, but then he went off with her, and I was left alone. How many tears had I shed over him? Must have been a lot, because now when I try to cry, it hurts, as if the tears need to be forced out. So I don't cry anymore. There never was a use for it anyway, so it's nothing to be sorry about. I mean, why cry over someone who doesn't care for you?

Inuyasha… I had thought of him as _the one_, the person I could lean on when I was down… The love of my life. But did I really think that, or was my befuddled mind leading me on? No, the only thing leading me on was him. He did this to me, and now my heart feels achy, as if it won't ever love again. Or at least, that's how it felt. Now it feels empty, almost as if it were never there. Which is true. I have no heart. I have no feelings. I live my days emotionless and sullen, disturbing those around me.

It may be for the better, since I never will see him again. The last time I saw him, he was with her…. I couldn't bare it, so I left without so much as a good-bye. As I jumped through the well, the hot tears forced their way out, spilling down my face to fall in a pool at my feet. Tears are the blood of sadness. A reminder of heartbreak. The true form of misery. That is why I don't cry anymore. These tears won't fall. Never again…

He's probably missing the Ramen, the instant noodles that he would slurp with greed. Well he's not getting anymore. Nope. Because I'm not going back. Ever. Why- _how_- could I face him again? The liquid sadness would threaten to fall again, and my heart would be breaking all over again. I can't face that kind of pain. So maybe that was why when I got home, my knife was the only friend I had… It helped to ease my suffering, leaving scars on my arms and legs. Sometimes at night I stroke them, a reminder of all I've been through.

After all these years-how long has it been? Four? Five? Six? Does it matter? I can't go back. I won't go back. No one understands that more than I. But sometimes when I'm feeling alone, betrayed, depressed, I think back on those happy days in which I lived in sweet ignorance. Ignorance is most certainly bliss… Even now, I still feel the same though. Even now, I can hear those words in my head, but cannot get my self to speak them, even as a whisper. They are a wandering phrase, shifting in and out of my mind; they are the wind in the grass, the ethereal beings living in the heavens above, the tears in my eyes. They are there, but I cannot see them, nor hear them. But if I must, I will say them.

_I love you, Inuyasha. Even after all these years of heartache and betrayal, I can't- won't- let go. I'm sorry. It's too hard. You may hate me forever, but I think that my words are enough to stop a million years wars. Or at least your inner conflicts. I love you, but I don't miss you. I can't feel any emotion towards you. No more sitting for you. Are you happy about that? Or have the beads been taken off already, and you are free to do as you wish. You've been that way for a while now, though. Seeing as I'm not coming back, you won't be sat ever again. So be happy, Inuyasha. Let go of the past, look to the future. I'm in both, but the future is less painful. So, Inuyasha. Good bye, and good night._

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Kagome looked up into the boughs of the Christmas tree, smiling at the many bushels of mistletoe. Several couples were already taking advantage of the plant. She turned her head away, giving them their privacy. Shuffling her feet in the snow, she pulled her coat tighter around her thin frame. The park was beautiful during the winter. Her gaze was drawn to the ferris wheel, lit by neon lights that blinked on and off as the wheel turned.

She headed towards it, bringing her shopping bags with her. Paying the fee, she stepped into the small box and waited patiently for it to get to the top. Staring out the window, she saw all of the Christmas lights on people's houses, and the iredescent glow of shop windows, open late due to the season. Lovers were out walking, laughing and talking, with the occasional kiss whenever they came across mistletoe. Kagome's misted eyes glazed over, staring blankly out the window.

_I was so much older then,  
__I'm younger than that now._

Houjo had asked her out a few days ago, but she politely declined. Lately she had been in a growing depression over you-know-who, and now she was determined to forget all about the Feudal Era and everyone else. She even stopped buying that brand of Ramen she always had. Pocky, of course, was occasionally thrown into the wall in case Shippou decided to check in there. Now if anyone asked her why her money was spent on stuff she didn't even buy, she ignored the question effectively and smiled nonchalantly. It was as if a mask was donned around friends, and when she was alone, her normal face was revealed, weak and exhausted.

She could see her faint reflection in the window, and traced circles in the frost beneath the ledge. The ride lurched to a slow stop, and the attendant helped her out. She made her way to the subway, juggling several bags of groceries and gifts. The car she entered was crowded, forcing her to stand with her head smashed against a pole, the cold metal stinging her forehead. The sound was deafening, and she blocked it out, just like she had so many other times in her life. Today was no different.

It began to snow as she walked up the driveway to her door, and she glanced up at the sky, a shady blue dotted with tiny lights.

_Here comes the rain again,  
Falling from the stars.  
Drenched in my pain again,  
Becoming who we are._

Unlocking the door, she dropped the bags of groceries on the counter, taking the other stuff up to her room. Her mother was working late, Souta was spending the night at a friend's house, and Grandpa was on a tour of the United States, forced by Kagome, Souta, and Mrs. Higurashi. Shedding her coat, she flopped onto the bed. She lay there a while, then got up and looked out the window to the shrine. Without thinking, she slipped downstairs and put a pair of slippers on, tiptoeing out to the well. Passing the sign, she paused at the door, clasping her hands together, then pushed open the door. There it was, in all its antique glory. Just as she left it. Cranking up one of the loose floorboards, she found the jar that held the completed Shikon jewel. Also there was the locket that held a picture of her and him, both angry. There were plenty of other things, and she shuffled through them, trying to find what she was looking for.

Finally, she pulled a dusty little book out. Labeled in neat cursive on the cover were the words, "Kagome's Diary". She opened it carefully, flipping through the pages. So many things were written there. Like the time Kouga kidnapped her, and when she found him kissing Kikyou, all perfectly documented in the pages of this small book. The last entry was that of, "I hate him! I can't believe he would… Oh my god! It hurts so much… I can't bear to even think of him. Who ever knew heartbreak hurt so much!" The page was blotted with tears, making the ink bleed. Kagome took a pen from her pocket and wrote a ballad. About life, love, and sacrifices.

_Crimson flames tied through my ears  
Rollin' high and mighty traps  
Pounced with fire on flaming roads  
Using ideas as my maps  
"we'll meet on edges, soon," said I  
Proud 'neath heated brow.  
Ah, but I was so much older then,  
'm younger than that now. _

Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth  
"rip down all hate," I screamed  
Lies that life is black and white  
Spoke from my skull. I dreamed  
Romantic facts of musketeers  
Foundationed deep, somehow.  
Ah, but I was so much older then,  
I'm younger than that now.

Girls' faces formed the forward path  
From phony jealousy  
To memorizing politics  
Of ancient history  
Flung down by corpse evangelists  
Unthought of, though, somehow.  
Ah, but I was so much older then,  
I'm younger than that now.

A self-ordained professor's tongue  
Too serious to fool  
Spouted out that liberty  
Is just equality in school  
"equality," I spoke the word  
As if a wedding vow.  
Ah, but I was so much older then,  
I'm younger than that now.

In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand  
At the mongrel dogs who teach  
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy  
In the instant that I preach  
My existence led by confusion boats  
Mutiny from stern to bow.  
Ah, but I was so much older then,  
I'm younger than that now.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats  
Too noble to neglect  
Deceived me into thinking  
I had something to protect  
Good and bad, I define these terms  
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.  
Ah, but I was so much older then,  
I'm younger than that now.

She shivered, leaning against the side of the well. Life was too complicated… Too complicated for her. "Inuyasha…" she whispered, closing her eyes. "I love you so much…" And she fell asleep, a single tear sliding down her cheek to rest on the cold ground.

Little did she know, that someone was listening from the shadows of the well. "I love you too, Kagome…" and he did not wake her, for he knew her surprise would have to be saved for when she woke up. And boy, was she in for a hell of a morning!

He cradled her head in his lap, then looked up to the stars, smirking to himself. The mistletoe was in place above their heads, and he looked down at her. The kiss was going to be saved for tomorrow morning, and there was no denying the fact that she would enjoy it.

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**A/N:** So, how was it? Don't blame me if its overly sappy or doesn't make any sense… Its 12: 00 PM here and today's been a really long day… So don't blame me! And if you didn't know what pairing this was, I fear for you mental stability.

I'd like to give a shout-out to Bob Dylan for writing the lyrics to "My Back Pages", which are used twice in this fic. I'd also like to thank Green Day for that little excerpt from Wake Me Up When September Ends.

Don't forget to review! I need feedback!


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